My Identity

Each day I become more used to the fact that I am now someone's mom. It is quite a huge concept to wrap my mind around. There are really no words for me to describe how I feel when I think about my daughter and how right now she needs me. I am completely responsible for another human being and that thought is terrifying and yet humbling. I now have to put the needs of another person before my own. I was reminded of this fact last week when I took my daughter to the doctor. She looked completely adorable in a sassy little outfit and smelled delightful after her bath. I on the other hand had just enough time to quickly jump in the shower wash my hair and throw on jeans and a sweatshirt. She looked adorable and I looked frumpy at best. It hit me as semi comical and a bit ironic.

I will always be there for my daughter, but I realize how important it is for me to maintain my identity. I have seen some friends who have lost who they are when they become moms. They forget that they used to have interests and dreams beyond just those of their children. It is honestly really challenging for me to think about finishing out school right now. I feel like I don't have the time when I can't even get out of my bathrobe some days, and yet I know it is important for me to finish because I have already put so much time into it and it is part of the old me that I kind of miss. My challenge over the next few years is to integrate my old life with the new. I need to still go to my movie club, even though it is easier to stay home with my daughter. I need to maintain close friendships and read mindless books. My husband and I still need to spend time together and remember who we are as a couple. All of these things will help me to be the mom I desire to be and to integrate the old me with the new.

Baby's Have a LOT of Stuff

I am amazed that for such teeny tiny people that babies have so much stuff. My once tidy house is filled with burp rags, little socks, hats, bibs, baby blankets, bottles, etc. I seem to keep picking up the same items over and over again. I laugh a bit at the contrast the baby items add to our home. I have always been extremely particular on how I decorate my house. It is kind of a hobby of mine. I love design. We have decorated in a very modern style - as in simplistic, clean lines, black leather, black granite, stainless steel and specifically chosen art work. I am kind of a clean freak and actually enjoy having people over for dinner and parties so I can clean up the kitchen after (really!). For anyone who is a fan of the show Friends - Monica is my soul sister.

As I look around the living room and the house that I had meticulously chosen furniture and artwork for.....I have to just laugh at the baby swing sitting between the red leather chair and black leather couch. The bottles that seem to never be put away drying on the once spotless counter top. The pack and play and pink baby jumper sitting in the middle of the family room....this small person has not only taken over our lives...she has also taken over our house. Just like everything else in my life these days I can stress or I can just throw the rules out the window and not worry so much about the little things. On a given day these days if I have ten minutes free during the day I can either shower, clean up the house or try to do some homework. I have learned to not care if my house is spotless when company comes over and my new motto is "It is what it is." Pink baby stuff has taken over my life and my house....do I stress? No, it is what it is.

Throw Out the Planner - There is a New Boss in Town

Being on maternity leave I realize how scheduled my life typically is. So, in order to try and get done all of the tasks that I need to accomplish the next few months I have decided to continue to use my daily planner. The tasks range from printing baby announcements to working on my thesis. Each day I have a set number of items that I would like to get done. I started this new system on Monday and have at best been able to accomplish one or two items off of the list. My daily expectations may be a bit to high since if I am able to get a shower in before my husband gets home from work...I feel like I have achieved a great accomplishment. Today for instance, I have been wanting to call a cohort member to discuss thesis time lines and also work on some homework, but my little daughter has decided that today she wants me to hold her all day long. She is not fussy....that is if I do not put her down. Right now I am trying to type as she is cuddled up on my chest. She looks like a little baby doll in her purple velour jumpsuit. Every now and then she makes a little baby coo that could make any one's heart melt.

At first I felt a bit stressed out thinking of all of the school related items I have to accomplish the next few months, but then I realized that in the grand scheme of life....holding my newborn is more important than anything I can do today. Don't get me wrong, school is important to me, but my daughter will only be an infant once. I am sure in a few years I will long for the days when she wanted me to hold her all day. Having a baby has put my life into perspective a bit. Maybe my life is a bit too scheduled. Maybe I don't always need to have a plan. Maybe I don't always have to get it all done. So what if my house is not spotless. I have decided that I can either enjoy this time or stress over what I need to get done. I am choosing to enjoy this time with my daughter and take each day one day at a time. Some days I will be able to complete my list, and other days I won't. The key for me to remember is not to sweat the little things or stress over what ultimately I cannot control.

Sleep Deprivation - Ode to Starbucks

Typically I am one who can function on little sleep. I have never been a great sleeper and often spend a good part of the night thinking rather than sleeping. Having an infant however has given new meaning to the word "insomnia". I guess I shouldn't complain because most nights my daughter only gets up twice to eat and will typically go back to bed soon after. Last night however she was up all night! Not fussy. Just ready to party. Being that I am not working these days it may not seem like a big deal....but the other sleep problem I have is I am a terrible napper. I, for the life of me, cannot sleep during the day. At the end of my pregnancy I was up ever two hours to use the rest room...so I got kind of used to getting up at night....but the months of not getting a full night sleep are starting to catch up to me. Fortunately, I have a passion for Starbucks and really strong coffee. I take pride in knowing that I have personally helped the company to remain successful and for one have no problem paying $4 dollars for a cup of coffee if it is good. (BTW - in Hawaii my morning cup of coffee at Starbucks was $6!!! Can you believe it?!) I feel a bit of excitement in the mornings knowing as I get out of bed that I have a hot cup of coffee just waiting for me...I can make it through anything as long as I have my Starbucks.

Coping With the Baby Blues

Before I had my daughter I had no clue that women experienced the "baby blues". In the hospital it is a whirlwind with visitors coming to visit and nurses waiting on you hand and foot. There is a sense of excitement as the new parents look at their adorable new baby. It all seems so manageable....that is until you get home and reality sets in. The tears start and life pretty much seems unmanageable and overwhelming.

I experienced major baby blues when I got home from the hospital. I cried and cried and had no control over my emotions. Life was completely overwhelming and I seriously wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Those days seemed like they would never end....but as a survivor of the baby blues I believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Although there is no "cure" for the baby blues, here are a few tips that helped me to get through the rough days:


1. Take naps as often as you can.
2. There is nothing wrong with crying. Cry if you need to.
3. Let yourself feel what you are feeling. It's normal!
4. Talk to your spouse, family and friends about how you're feeling.
5. Ask for help when you need it, and accept help when others offer it.
6. Keep visitors to a minimum.
7. Remember to eat.
8. Plan a few fun events to look forward to.
9. Get some fresh air.

I have also attached a link with more information.

http://www.sixwise.com/newsletters/08/06/04/How-to-Manage-the-Baby-Blues.htm

The baby blues is completely normal and a person should never feel bad or guilty for feeling what they feel. Each day I feel a bit more like myself again, and each day there are times where I feel a bit overwhelmed. I have found that I can only take life one day at a time these days and with the help of my family, friends and God I will make it through.

The World My Daughter Will Grow Up In

I have been thinking about how the technology my daughter will grow up with is so much different from when I was a little girl. When I was little I remember my parents renting a VCR so we could watch movies. At this time people did not really own their on VCR....we also did not get a computer until I was in junior high and at this time getting on the Internet required a dial up network.

Last night while watching the Academy Awards in HD on our plasma I could not help put to laugh a little when I thought of how different my daughters experience with technology will be. She will grow up watching her Disney movies in Blue Ray on a plasma TV with HD and surround sound. The colors are so vivid that the characters could practically jump off of the screen. She will also probably go to kindergarten with her own laptop and a cell phone (this might be an exaggeration). In junior high I thought I was super cool when my parents bought me a pager. Now kids have cell phones that can go on the Internet, text message, send photo's and video footage. I can't help but to wonder how or if the new technology will impact her life. Also, what new advancements in technology will she see as she grows up? How will her experience in school be different from my own? Long gone are the days of the card catalog in the library. Will she miss out on some of the quaint things I remember about elementary school? It is hard not to wonder if all of the new technology will give her a "richer" educational experience. I am interested to see what new advancements will arise as she grows up and becomes a teenager.

My Mom

These past two weeks have been perhaps the toughest and yet most amazing weeks of my life. I do not think I could have gotten through them without my mom. My mom and I have always had a fantastic relationship, the kind of relationship I hope I have with my daughter some day. She taught me at a young age to love the mall, Christmas and a great cup of coffee. Being an adult of almost 30 my mom and I have moved beyond just a mother / daughter relationship to one of being great friends.

The past few weeks I have needed my mom more than I think I ever have. After surgery in the hospital while everyone else was mesmerized with the new baby, my mom was right by my side making sure that I was OK. When I needed to cry she listened and days when I thought I couldn't physically and emotionally go on, she became a rock for me to lean on. This past week I was dealing with the "hormones" of having a baby and my mom and dad came to pick me up one night and take me to a mindless movie. They didn't even care that I sat and cried over dinner for no apparent reason. Every night last week my parents came over to see the baby, but I know it was to check and make sure that their little girl was OK.

I am so thankful for my mom. I could not have been able to comprehend the love of a mother to a daughter until just now when I have one of my own. I look at her and am overwhelmed by the love I feel and can now understand the selfless love that my mom has had for me through the years. My only hope is that I can be the kind of mom to my daughter that my mom has been to me.